finding my way back

For some reason, I found myself playing the role of the good daughter yesterday- I cooked, I washed the dishes (the horror!), I fixed things, I even suggested attending service. My mom was feeling bad about not attending service for a while now and she felt that it's taking the toll on her. In the past, whenever my mom made comments about us bringing ourselves to damnation because I wouldn't wake up early enough to make it to Sunday morning at church, I'd just try to close my ears and nod imperceptibly. It wasn't for lack of faith (I think), it was more for discomfort. I've always shied away from zealous worship. For what reason, I don't really know. At some point though, in the not so distant past, I almost got there. I even sang and danced in front of a congregation once, for a thanksgiving party. But for one reason or another, I slipped. I stopped waking up early every Sunday, not feeling the need to have my weekly dose of spirituality and even falling asleep before I finished my evening prayer.

Yesterday though, resistance proved futile and I found myself driving my mom and myself to attend a Sunday service. At a church I've always been wary off, no less. I only suggested going there because it was the most accessible one. And maybe it's time to let go of prejudices. During the praise and worship, I found myself tapping my foot to the rhythm, and even clapping once in a while. Then I heard my mom sniffing during the opening prayer. And then she went to the front to prayed over by the pastor. That got to me. And for the first time in a long while, I actually listened to the pastor while he gave the message. I even wrote a prayer request. And to my surprise, my hand shot up when the pastor asked who wanted to be prayed over for guidance and spiritual growth leading to discipleship. Alarm bells rang in my head during the prayer, because I suddenly realized I was getting into something I wasn't sure I'm ready for. I'm still not sure. After the last song, an usher came to me and asked for my name and number, gave me a booklet, and asked if I wanted to go in front to get prayed for. Reluctantly, I walked to the front and received the prayer.

This morning, I received a message asking me if I could come to a meeting tomorrow to probably discuss my reason for raising my hand and what else can be done about it. And although I am totally scared and hesitant as ever, I replied "sure, just tell me where and what time." Alarm bells again. I can feel that change is imminent and I'm not sure if I'm ready. But He's probably pushing me to do these things and maybe it's time I answer His call.