It's been a little over two years since I updated this blog. I never meant to update it again (see previous post), but I've been experiencing some strange numbness lately- strange, if recent events are taken into account. I figured, I could probably revive my cold, cold heart if I wrote something here.
The last time I was in a similar situation, all hell broke loose for me. I couldn't eat, I cried myself to sleep for days, I couldn't breathe every time a thought, no matter how tiny, of him entered my mind (which happened every other minute, so you can imagine how much trouble my lungs were in). I couldn't move properly, and my heart just literally hurt all the time. I'm not being melodramatic here, that was really the case then.
I just dug up whatever was left of that relationship, and I realized, all the pain that ensued when it ended was just proportional to the amount of love that was shared before we said goodbye. Reading old chat transcripts and old letters, you can just imagine the beaming smile on my face, that tender look in his eyes, all the hope within us that we would be together no matter what. He was everything I ever wanted and more. He was sunrises and sunsets and walks on the beach. He was family lunches and lazy Sundays. He was roadtrips and adventures. He was comforting hugs and tender kisses. He was laughter and silliness. He was lengthy conversations and cups of coffee. He was hopes and dreams. He was home. He was love.
And when he left, I got lost. I had no idea how to start again. I threw myself into all sorts of things to forget. I travelled, I partied, I did things I never thought I'd do, just to prove to myself and the world that I still had a life after him.
I managed to move on somehow. I met new people, I loved again, I put all that pain inside a box, locked it and hid it in a dark corner of my heart. I forgave him, then I forgave myself. Sometimes, I'm reminded of all the hurt, and even the happiness, and the tears inevitably come, but they're easily replaced by a smile and an honest appreciation of how, at one time, I was blessed with that love.
Thinking about it, I worry that perhaps I might not be able to have that kind of love again, because I might have locked my ability to give it along with the pain in that box. Maybe that's why I'm numb right now. Calm and steady when logic would have it that I'd be going nuts already.
The last time I was in a similar situation, all hell broke loose for me. I couldn't eat, I cried myself to sleep for days, I couldn't breathe every time a thought, no matter how tiny, of him entered my mind (which happened every other minute, so you can imagine how much trouble my lungs were in). I couldn't move properly, and my heart just literally hurt all the time. I'm not being melodramatic here, that was really the case then.
I just dug up whatever was left of that relationship, and I realized, all the pain that ensued when it ended was just proportional to the amount of love that was shared before we said goodbye. Reading old chat transcripts and old letters, you can just imagine the beaming smile on my face, that tender look in his eyes, all the hope within us that we would be together no matter what. He was everything I ever wanted and more. He was sunrises and sunsets and walks on the beach. He was family lunches and lazy Sundays. He was roadtrips and adventures. He was comforting hugs and tender kisses. He was laughter and silliness. He was lengthy conversations and cups of coffee. He was hopes and dreams. He was home. He was love.
And when he left, I got lost. I had no idea how to start again. I threw myself into all sorts of things to forget. I travelled, I partied, I did things I never thought I'd do, just to prove to myself and the world that I still had a life after him.
I managed to move on somehow. I met new people, I loved again, I put all that pain inside a box, locked it and hid it in a dark corner of my heart. I forgave him, then I forgave myself. Sometimes, I'm reminded of all the hurt, and even the happiness, and the tears inevitably come, but they're easily replaced by a smile and an honest appreciation of how, at one time, I was blessed with that love.
Thinking about it, I worry that perhaps I might not be able to have that kind of love again, because I might have locked my ability to give it along with the pain in that box. Maybe that's why I'm numb right now. Calm and steady when logic would have it that I'd be going nuts already.
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